“I understand you sacrificed everything for me. I’m a drunk, not a total dumbass.” Benedict knew that he was just opening the way for her to insult him even more. The comment about alcohol stung, especially when he’d been doing bstter lately. But that was no doubt the point of the comment. He wasn’t stupid, he knew that he deserved every insult and remark his ex threw at him. The only thing he didn’t really understand was why she was choosing to bring this all up now. It didn’t seem like there was much of a point other than to upset Ben.
“I don’t know what you expect me to say to that. I tried to love you, I really thought I could force myself to be happy and love you.” He’d already tried to explain his thought process a thousand times. He doubted that this would be the time Peggy would understand, that time would probably never come. “You can be pissed at me for all of it, but unfortunately that’s not going to change anything.” He wanted to break eye contact, especially now that she was closer, but something stopped him from doing so.
❝ don’t act like i don’t understand that. i know it changes nothing. ❞ that was the worst part of it all. no matter how many times she popped into the home seething and spewing insults, it didn’t change the past, nor had trying to remain on good terms with him. everything was lost to the ages, visible yet unattainable like dust floating through a sunbeam. it made her want to vomit - or maybe that was the effects of the chemo biting at her heels again.
❝ i want retribution, benedict. i want closure. ❞ she studied his face for a long moment. yet again she found him lacking. he had nothing to give except apologies and explanations she had heard echoed a hundred times before. it was her own fault by this point, she supposed - expectations should have been sufficiently worn, yet she still hoped for a miracle, that something, anything he could say would make it hurt less. god save her, and mark today as the day peggy shippen’s wit ran dry. ❝ help me find it, ❞ she shakily pleaded, hand rising to clutch benedict’s sleeve. ❝ i feel like i’m going insane. ❞
“Because i’m a stubborn asshole who could never give you what you want.” The words should have been teasing, light-hearted, but instead they come out quiet and serious. He hates these kinds of conversations. “I proposed because I care about you, I always have. I thought I could have a happy life with you, truly. But I was wrong and that’s none of your own doing, Peggy, believe me.”
peggy could concede on that point, at least. her ex husband was easily one of the most selfish men she had ever met - ruining her life twice, without remorse either time. he’d always insisted that he had known of his attraction to men far before he’d proposed, yet he’d still done it, only to divorce her when the thought of being with a woman for the rest of his life became too overwhelming. there was no word for it but selfish.
the nickname was like a slap to the face, and she instantly hissed ❝ margaret ❞ through her teeth in correction. ❝ i am well aware that it was not my doing. ❞ peggy laughed quietly, a sound lacking in humor, as arms snaked around her own torso. if he was expecting pity, he was sorely mistaken. pale teal eyes locked with benedict’s own through thinning eyelashes. ❝ i surrendered everything for you. do you remember that, or has the alcohol clouded your memory? ❞ it was a comment she knew she would regret later on, but in the moment it served as a verbal slap nearly biting enough to make her feel a little better - that was what she’d intended at least. in truth it only made guilt swell in her stomach. why should she feel any guilt? why should she pity him in the least after everything he’d done? it was the humble beginnings of a rebuilt relationship. they’d been on thin ice for months, and now that ice was shattering beneath her. perhaps she’d already been submerged in the gelid water without even realizing.
peggy stepped closer, head tipping back to maintain eye contact with the difference in height. ❝ i could have done something with my life. i could have married someone who loved me just as much as i loved them, i could have gone to college. ❞ and she truly had loved him. against all odds, she had fallen for the older man who swept in and stole her senses away from her. to some extent, she thought, she still did.
❝ why is it that when i want a fight you never give it to me, but when i’m after civil discussion you throw a fit? ❞ even as she spoke, the words lacked true vitriol. they were bitter and tired, just the same as she. tongue darted out, wetting her lips, and her mouth remained open for several seconds before she returned her gaze to her ex husband with a slight jerk of the chin. ❝ why did you propose to me, benedict? ❞
continued from here with @americantraitor
it's my brother's blood in my dirty lungs, in my crooked mouth, on my swollen tongue, on my father's gun, on each stranger's face, across the bluebird sky, on every hand i shake, night after night. with each chuckled prayer such sweet relief, my fists full of hair with each desperate drive for elusive peace, with every endless night, with each wasted week. all that dialogue doublin' back on me, all that tangled talk, all my growling need. it's my brother's back, it's my father's arms, it's every twisted fact in my sorry heart... i spit and scream what's done is done. go make your peace with everyone. they don't need to know about my brother's blood.
if women were religiously recognized sexually, we wouldn't have to feel the need to show our ass, it's to feel free. been there, done that, got the t-shirt, sold my soul, and yeah the truth hurts. tired image of a star acting naughtier than we really are. if history could set you free from who you were supposed to be, if sex in our society didn't tell a girl who she should be, 'cause all my life i've tried to fight what history has given me.
look at the stars, look how they shine for you and everything you do. yeah, they were all yellow... so then i took my turn, oh, what a thing to have done, and it was all yellow. your skin, oh yeah, your skin and bones, turn into something beautiful. do you know, you know i love you so? you know i love you so. i swam across, i jumped across for you, oh, what a thing to do, 'cause you were all yellow.
i've seen the world, done it all, had my cake now. diamonds, brilliant, in bel-air now. hot summer nights, mid july, when you and i were forever wild. the crazy days, city lights, the way you'd play with me like a child... will you still love me when i'm no longer young and beautiful? will you still love me when i've got nothing but my aching soul?
when i go for a drive i like to pull off to the side of the road, turn out the lights, get out, and look up at the sky. and i do this to remind me that I'm really really tiny in the grand scheme of things, and sometimes this terrifies me. but it's only really scary cause it makes me feel serene in a way i never thought i'd be because i've never been so grounded and so humbled and so one with everything. i am grounded, i am humbled, i am one with everything. rock and roll is fun but if you ever hear someone say “you are huge! look at the moon, look at the stars, look at the sun, look at the ocean and the desert and the mountains and the sky” say “i am just a speck of dust inside a giant's eye.”
i'm feeling devious, you're looking glamorous. let's get mischievous and polyamorous! wine and women and wonderful vices : welcome to the cult of dionysus. we could take a holiday in the month of may, run free and play in fields of flowers, pass the hours, making love is how we'll pray, or start a secret society for the wild and free, our ideology is "you can do what you want, too much is never enough."
i'm sorry, mother, i'm sorry i let you down. well these days i'm fine, no these days i tend to lie... i'm sorry, brother, i'm sorry i let you down. well these days you're fine, no these days you tend to lie... i'm sorry, lover, i'm sorry i bring you down. well these days i try, and these days i tend to lie... your time will come if you wait for it, if you wait for it. it's hard, believe me, i've tried, but I keep coming up short.
sycophants on velvet sofas, lavish mansions, vintage wine. i am so much more than royal, snatch your chain and mace your eyes. if it feels good, tastes good, it must be mine. heroes always get remembered but you know legends never die and if you don't know now you know. i'm taking back the crown! i'm all dressed up and naked. i see what's mine and take it. finders keepers, losers weepers!
your baby blues, so full of wonder. your curly cues, your contagious smile. and as i watch you start to grow up all i can do is hold you tight knowing clouds will raise up, storms will race in, but you will be safe in my arms. rains will pour down, waves will crash all around, but you will be safe in my arms. story books full of fairy tales, of kings and queens, and the bluest skies. my heart is torn just in knowing you'll someday see the truth from lies.
what's the use of wond'ring if he's good or if he's bad or if you like the way he wears his hat? what's the use of wondering if he's good or if he's bad? he's your fella and you love him. that's all there is to that... something made him the way that he is, whether he's false or true, and something gave him the things that are his. one of those things is you! so when he wants your kisses you'll give them to the lad, and anywhere he leads you you will walk, and anytime he needs you you'll go running there like mad... you're his girl, and he's your fella, and all the rest is talk.
there are those who think we're wicked. there are those who call us names : depraved, lost, and sick, and want to bathe us in shame. but we put the sin in sincere, we put the do in the doubt. god is perfectly clear, we are perfectly out. love us as we are. see us and we're holy in this shall we shall ever be wholly ourselves. your love will take us far, praise us and we'll show you from heaven to the glory holes, glorious and free. i believe in the ritual of lipstick, the sanctity of my electric guitar, but it's cool if you're not that catholic. you can be wherever you are.
down by the river by the boats, where everybody goes to be alone, where you won't see any rising sun. down to the river we will run. when by the water we drink to the dregs, look at the stones on the riverbed. i can tell from your eyes you've never been by the riverside. down by the water the riverbed somebody calls you, somebody says “swim with the current and float away” down by the river every day. oh my god, i see how everything is torn in the river deep and i don't know why i go the way down by the riverside.
i saw a ghost on the stairs and sheets on the tables and chairs. the silverware swam with the sharks in the sink, even so i don't know what to think. i've been longing for daisies to push through the floor, and i wish that plant life would grow all around me so i won't feel dead anymore. i saw a bear in the den, eeading my textbooks again, bats flowed like traffic as they poured from the attic, heaven knows i could really use a friend... tonight i'm busting out of this old haunted house 'cause i'm sick of waiting for all the spider webs to grow all around me, 'cause i don't feel dead anymore, and i'm not afraid anymore!
the mirror's image, it tells me it's home time. but i'm not finished 'cause you're not by my side. and as i arrived i thought i saw you leaving carrying your shoes ; decided that once again i was just dreaming of bumping into you… somewhere darker, talking the same shite. i need a partner. well are you out tonight? it's harder and harder to get you to listen, more i get through the gear. incapable of making alright decisions and having bad ideas.
am i just a night of lust and lost temptation? is someone like me his destiny? he'll never know. i gotta find a way to show my expectations. he ends it where it begins but i won't let go. i know you don't love me, but still i burn for you. i know you don't love me, this flame won't die, it's true. my soul bared completely don't seem enough for you. i know you don't love me, but the message can't get through. any man can see that I'm worth the talkin'. love can be bittersweet when the girl hears "no". opportunity knocks but your doors don't open, but i feel a fire inside that's about to blow.
when i was only 15, i packed by bags and said goodbye to mom and dad. i was afraid and alone, living without a home, got rid of all i had. they say the best things are free but i can't get what i need without some CURRENCY and money doesn't grow on trees. you can't just plant a seed, you gotta work it out. gimme some of that cold cash! i want to stuff it in my couch. come on bring me those big stacks! i need them bricks to build my house. give me all of that, all of that 'til the atm runs out! if money can't buy happiness then why is it so fabulous?
black and blues, and yellows too, will fade the same as embers do. we’ll wake up tomorrow and feel new. the story that we won't share, we’re all gonna hide it well away somewhere. a warning for family, the kind a person gives about an enemy. now, well known, let’s never sleep alone. i'm sorry for crying, don't feel bad, you didn't do that. i’m sorry we’re crying.
back of the room, looking at you, counting the steps between us : a hundred and five little blades in a line from your skin to mine and i feel it. eyes on the ground, but i can't look up now. don't wanna give it away, my secret. in another life, my teeth and tongue would speak aloud what until now i've only sung, ‘cause i would die to make you mine. bleed me dry each and every time. i don't mind, no i don't mind it, i would come back a thousand times. you can make me wait forever, push me away and tell me never. i don't mind, no i don't mind it. i would come back a thousand times.
i got lots of jealous lovers that all wish they had me back, got a pistol for a mouth, my own mama gave me that. making my own road out of gravel and some wine, and if i have to fall then it won't be in your line. everybody's doing it so why the hell should i? everybody's doing it so why the hell should i? i'm a bad woman to keep, make me mad, i'm not here to please, paint me in a corner but my color comes back. once you go black, you never go back. i'm a black sheep.
polly wants a cracker. i think I should get off her first. i think she wants some water to put out the blow torch… polly wants a cracker, maybe she would like more food. she asked me to untie her. a chase would be nice for a few. polly said… polly says her back hurts. She's just as bored as me. she caught me off my guard - amazes me, the will of instinct. isn't me, have a seed. let me clip your dirty wings, let me take a ride, cut yourself. want some help, please myself. got some rope, you have been told. promise you, i have been true. let me take a ride, cut yourself. want some help, please myself.
when i see you i can't find the words to speak, my cheeks go as red as two big cherries. i try to look beautiful for you, stuffing my dress up with tissues, hoping you'll notice but it's obvious and i get so embarrassed. i'm so smitten with you and everyone knows it. when you're not around i clutch my chest and say i'll look you in the eyes and not be so god damn shy... i can't find the words to speak.
i feel i've been riding in a fast car, burning dirty gas won't get you that far. i feel I’ve been riding up the wrong path, but i'm gonna make sure i get the last laugh. is there any possibility you'll quit gossiping about me to hide your insecurities? all you say is blah, blah. girls, they never befriend me ‘cause i fall asleep when they speak of all the calories they eat. all they say is na, na, na, na, na!
i need a whole personality, something inordinately sweet. order anything you’d like. nothing’s changing my mind. i don’t care how unhealthy it is ‘cause there isn’t anything i’d rather be. call me obsequious, i guess i’m a bit dramatic, sometimes my appetite is eerily erratic. give me your dire expectations, and i’ll consume perfection - you are what you eat, after all.
my name is richard henry lee; virginia is my home. and may my horses turn to glue if i can't deliver unto you a resolution on independency! for i am ffv, the first family in the sovereign colony of virginia! yes, the ffv, the oldest family in the oldest colony in america! and may the british burn my land if i can't deliver to your hand a resolution on independency! you see it's here-a-lee, there-a-lee, everywhere-a-lee-a-lee!
maybe i hang around here a little more than i should, we both know i got somewhere else to go, but i got something to tell you that i never thought i would, but i believe you really ought to know... i love you, i honestly love you. you don't have to answer, i see it in your eyes. maybe it was better left unsaid. this is pure and simple and you should realize that it's coming from my heart and not my head... if we both were born in another place and time, this moment might be ending in a kiss, but there you are with yours, and here i am with mine, so i guess we'll just be leaving it at this : i love you.
it's from japan. it’s a gray, oblong pill, quantum nano-technology CPU. the quantum computer in the pill will travel through your blood until it implants in your brain and it tells you what to do. it tells you what to do… it's preprogrammed. it's amazing! speaks to you directly. you behave as it's appraising, helps you act correctly. helps you to be cool, it helps you rule!
getting sober for a day, got me feeling too low. they tryna make me slow down, tryna tell me how to live. i'm about to lose control. well they can watch me fuck it up all in one night, i'm in my city in the summer, camo'd out, leather booted, kissing bitches in the club. they wanna threesome, then some, spend whatever come in, fuck an income. me and my niggas, we ain't never going broke, and you have to do it all just to know where it gets you, living dreams we can never afford.
you are my bad boy, my little pile of joy. when i saw you i knew you were the one. the way you looked at me when it only just begun. i wish i would've known then what i know now. it wouldn't last too long but it never does, does it? ‘cause i'm too young to be in love, i'm too young to be in love, so please oh please don't break my heart. i wanna go, i wanna go back to the start. i wanna cry, i wanna cry on your shoulder. i wanna be, i wanna be your toy soldier. i should've listened to my mom.
we are lies like the summertime, like the spring we are such fools, like fall we are the prophets, like winter we are cruel. i don't know what's wrong with us. they just made us this way. there's a hole in you and me that pulls us together and i don't know where we belong. i think we grew under a bad sun. i know we're not like everyone. you and me we grew under a bad sun.
